1. |
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You prob’ly just looked up and it’s December
I must admit it took me by surprise
There’s months in there I swear I don’t remember
And some I’d rather underemphasise
But nonetheless we made it up the mountain
Let’s take some time to celebrate the view
There’s just three weeks to Christmas if you’re countin’,
and this is all we’re askin’ you to do:
Have yourself a Swingin’ Bella Christmas!
Make yourself a very merry soul!
Pour yourself a faceful, oh, come on all ye disgraceful
For a double shot of festive folderol!
Santa Claus is gettin' down to business
He's revvin' up the reindeer for the flight -
so have yourself a Swingin’ Bella Christmas,
and hope like hell we make it through the night!
It seems to me the world is spinning faster
And this year bumped it up one more degree:
the edge of ecological disaster,
the brink of economic atrophy.
But what’s the point of dwelling on misfortune?
Don’t you know that mankind never learns?
And if this planet’s atmosphere is scorchin’,
then why not have a fiddle while it burns?
Have yourself a Swingin’ Bella Christmas!
A globally heartwarming kind of day!
Load up on supplies and watch that merry Yuletide risin’
And you just might find your troubles melt away!
Mother Nature’s such a fickle mistress,
but you don’t need to live your life in fear;
just have yourself a Swingin’ Bella Christmas
and we’ll deal with all that cleaning up next year.
Have yourself a Swingin’ Bella Christmas!
Cut yourself some late December slack
If Sodom and Gomorrah are collapsing into horror,
well, don’t think about tomorra, baby, and - don’t! look! back!
Make a wish for peaceful coexistence,
sing the songs of goodwill and delight,
have yourself a Swingin’ Bella Christmas
and hope like hell we make it through -
not much else that we can do except
hope like hell we make it through the night!
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2. |
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I never adored the Heavenly Lord
I never stopped to kneel in prayer
It seemed a little doctrinaire
I didn’t see why I should care
Happy to chill, up on a hill,
takin’ what the night would bring -
but then Hark! did those Herald Angels swing!
Man, it was weird, the way they appeared,
descending from a starlit sky,
bustin’ out a jam on high,
insisting that the Lord was nigh.
Totally lame, makin’a claim
they couldn’t remotely prove -
but damn! could those Herald Angels groove!
It was like a kind of mass hypnosis,
rolled in a golden beat.
It made your body overheat,
you couldn’t help but tap your feet.
Such a powerful apotheosis,
under a star so bright.
A new Jew voodoo delight.
I guess you had to be there - the combo was tight!
I tried to resist their mystical gist
But they were such a top-notch band
Monumental chops at hand
To consecrate the baby grand
Before I could blink, I was in sync,
bowing to the new-born King,
because hark! those Herald Angels swing!
(Now we’re movin’ in a perfect chord,
boy child comin’ better get on board)
(Now the rhythm is your holy reward
Lord, you got to get on board)
After the show, fully aglow,
I wandered into church somehow
I guess I took a holy vow
They call me a disciple now
Worshipping God’s exceedingly odd,
but still I wouldn’t change a thing -
because hark! those Herald Angels groove!
it’s so funky fresh and smooth!
yeah those Herald Angels swing!
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3. |
Mrs Claus
05:14
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I should have seen the whole thing coming
I’ve only got myself to blame
A stranger set my motor humming
I woke up in a blizzard with a brand new name:
Mrs Claus, Mrs Claus.
I ditched my world to be the big man’s girl - Mrs Claus.
The night he squeezed into my chimney
I must have lost my freakin’ mind
The wanderlust was deep within me
I packed a tiny bag and left my world behind
Mrs Claus, Mrs Claus.
I trashed my life to be the big man’s wife - Mrs Claus.
Now I’m cold at the Pole with a thousand elves
And they’re down with the children but they’re up themselves.
I’ve baked all the biscuits I can possibly bear
We’re a week away from Christmas and I just don’t care
So I’m lost in the frost, in the ice and snow,
but the steam inside is buildin’ and I’m gonna blow
I’m grabbin’ hold of Blitzen and headin’ for the sky
You better watch out, now, Nick, you better not cry
I never asked to be your totem
You’d never do the same for me
Your sack is just a big fat scrotum
And I will not be lectured on misogyny
Mrs Claus, Mrs Claus.
I threw it all away to ride a one-way sleigh - Mrs Claus.
I trashed my life to be the big man’s wife - Mrs Claus.
I ditched my world to be the fat man’s girl - Mrs Claus.
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4. |
One Star
05:40
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I’d heard a lot about this place from friends
Who’d stayed here overnight or on weekends
“A perfect inn for any connoisseur”
I must demur - how wrong they were.
The service was acceptable at best
The sheets were clean, but not so freshly pressed
And late at night a racket would begin
A dreadful din - those walls were thin.
Like, right outside our window
At 2 or 3 am?
I swear a woman lit’rally gave birth.
Screaming to crescendo
To wake half Bethlehem
That’s hardly what I’d call our money’s worth.
One star.
One star.
I must agree with @Thomas44
I’ve stayed here once or twice, but nevermore
I came in from a long day’s desert ride
Thought I’d just slide my ass inside - (Denied!)
Turns out now there’s gypsies in the shed
You’ll hear them to-and-fro-ing from your bed
You’ll come to learn: the parents there are proud,
wise men are loud, and three’s a crowd.
And don’t pay much attention
to comments on this thread
along the lines of “cozy, warm and cheap”.
It’s funny they don’t mention
the comet overhead
that means you never get a moment’s sleep.
One star.
One star.
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5. |
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Behold, the laden Christmas table -
a most indulgent feast.
Eat as much as you are able -
half your body weight at least.
But wait, it pays to be selective,
don’t grab ev’rything in view.
And if you want advice,
you don’t have to ask me twice.
I know which plate I’d advocate to you.
You should try my sister’s Christmas biscuits.
My sister’s Christmas biscuits are divine.
The richest sweetest disc in all existence.
No more delicious dish on which to dine.
And if you set a litmus test for crispness,
the judge’d be accordingly impressed.
My sister’s Christmas biscuits are the business.
My sister’s Christmas biscuits are the best.
Now people have their predilections,
and they won’t all align.
I can’t tell you your affections,
like you could never speak for mine.
True desire is a rainbow,
ain’t no colour right or wrong!
So I’m perfectly content
to entertain dissent.
Let’s make some room and learn to get along.
But don’t you diss my sister’s Christmas biscuits.
My sister’s Christmas biscuits take the cake.
Her recipe is relatively riskless:
just butter, milk and flour with a sugar shake.
Sift and briskly whisk until it’s viscous,
then spoon ‘em out and bake ‘em ‘til they’re done.
That’s how you make my sister’s Christmas biscuits,
and you better make enough for ev’ryone.
One night, I gave a bite to Steven,
a so-called connoisseur.
He said the texture was uneven,
then my memory is a blur.
Still the jury found me guilty -
why don’t people understand?
Well, when I’m on death row,
with one more meal to go,
I know the only foodstuff I’ll demand.
Cook me up my sister’s Christmas biscuits.
My sister’s Christmas biscuits for the win.
So when I meet electrical resistance,
I’m dyin’ with a blissful biscuit grin.
And when they peel me offa them transistors,
they’re gonna find I’m clutchin’ to my chest
a fistful of my sister’s Christmas biscuits,
‘cos my sister’s Christmas biscuits are the best.
My sister’s Christmas biscuits
could use a twist of citrus
but my sister’s Christmas biscuits are the best.
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6. |
The Christmas Ninja
04:33
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Christmas Day is soon.
And sometimes on that afternoon
Folks well-dined and quarter-blind
get too inclined to speak their mind.
Grandpa, hold your tongue,
Some looney tunes should stay unsung.
The more you rant and bloviate,
the more your words could seal your fate...
For ev’ry Christmas night
When all the kids are tucked in tight
A silent stranger’s on your roof -
like Santa Claus, he sees the truth.
He scans your Christmas days
For any sexist racist phrase.
Who’s that slidin’ down your flue?
Christmas Ninja comin’ for you.
The Ninja keeps it cool
He’s never angry, wild or cruel,
but if he hears small-minded spite
he guarantees a silent night.
And in your neighbourhoods
where dickhead dudes boo Adam Goodes -
that’s your right, but if you do,
Christmas Ninja comin’ for you.
“Proper ladies”
“Precious jobs”
“A woman’s work”
“Those ethnic mobs”
“Back in my day, birds were birds!”
Lots of these are red-flag words.
“Polluted blood”
“She should have fought”
“According to the Bolt Report...”
- oh, be my guest, go overboard,
and fall upon his ancient sword!
It’s Christmas time again -
he’s sharpening his shuriken
to whip them whisp’ring through the air.
I should point out he doesn’t care
how dark your thoughts might get.
He’s not quite telepathic yet.
But if you voice that vicious view,
Christmas Ninja comin’ for you.
My Christmas Day advice:
Keep it civil. Keep it nice.
Check your style before you speak.
‘Cos if you rile that superfreak,
late that night in bed
a ceiling board creaks overhead.
Sayonara. Right on cue.
Christmas Ninja comin’ for you.
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7. |
Calm The Flock Down
03:39
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Back in the day, I was a kid learnin’ the business
Countin’ the sheep, fallin’ asleep every night
If I came to minus a ewe, I thought I was useless
‘Til my daddy said “son, let me set you right:
“Glad that you tried takin’ some pride, A-plus for effort,
“but don’t you dare weep, Little Bo-Peep, leave it alone!
“‘cos havin’ a nap is kinda the point of bein’ a shepherd
“and should a ram go on the lam for parts unknown,
“calm the flock down, it’ll all turn out okay,
“calm the flock down, they don’t go so far astray.
“Best not cack your dacks, just kick back and chillax,
“kill the alarm, calm the flock down.”
Maybe your bride ran off to hide deep in the desert
Draggin’ some guy from out of the sky who could be insane
Maybe it’s true she’s eatin’ for two - so rumour has it
I can see where that might occupy your brain.
And there’s a mean killin’ machine here from the future
Silicon-chipped, laser-equipped, made out of steel,
given a goal, out of control, and eager to shoot ya -
now in some respects that isn’t quite ideal.
But calm the flock down, and I bet you’ll win the day
Calm the flock down, and you’ll find your runaway
‘Cos that robot might well fight, but he sure don’t seem too bright,
take a deep breath, pick yourself up and calm the flock down.
Calm the flock down, it’ll all turn out okay,
calm the flock down, they don’t go so far astray.
And you’ll find out where they are - have you checked under that star?
Take a deep breath, try to kick back,
learn to hang loose, let out some slack,
just get a grip, shut the fuck up and calm the flock down.
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8. |
Get Me Something Good
04:18
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Now let me tell you all a story, a story of three wise men who met up one night on the road to Bethlehem. They came from distant lands, over burning desert sands, with a deep night sky stretching out in front of them. They were takin’ their direction from a big bright shinin’ star that kept on movin’, behavin’ in a manner bizarre -‘til at last it came to rest on a stable in the west, so they said “that’s where the Lord and his mama are”. They made it to the stable, maybe kissed the baby’s head. They piled their presents at the foot of Mary’s bed. They said “which do you prefer - gold, frankincense or myrrh?”, and she drew herself up, and this is what the lady said, she said:
“Get me something good! Get me something good!
I need a proper cot, I want a copper pot,
I need a stroller with a folding hood!
If you’re gonna get me somethin’, better get me somethin’ good.”
Long time later, very same time of year, my true lover was a gift-givin’ pioneer. First a partridge in a tree, then a full-blown aviary, but it turned out (s)he was just gettin’ into gear, because ev’ry day it got more and more absurd. Another six geese? Paltry’s not the word. So I squeezed them all inside, in a bathroom ten feet wide, and it turns out hungry swans eat callin’ bird. Still I played along, pretendin’ ev’rything was fine - oh how I tried to humour my valentine! But ladies, maids and lords started turning up in hordes... and drummers, baby, that’s where I draw the line. I said:
“Get me something good! Get me something good!
One single thing, one golden ring,
not the whole damn neighbourhood!
If you’re gonna get me somethin’, better get me somethin’ good!”
I ain’t picky - it’s not tricky - and I know I shouldn’t fret.
But if I can’t get what I want, why can’t I want what I get?
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9. |
Joseph's Song
03:51
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Bay. Bee. Boy. My heart is overflowin’ with joy
I swear I’m barely copin’, ev’ry time you open your eyes.
Gol. Den. Child. I’m sweetly and completely beguiled.
You’re my salvation, whenever complications arise.
I know you’ll always love yo’ mama,
I hope you feel the same for me
There could be speculation - or later allegation -
concernin’ my paternity
But I’m your daddy, no matter what the preachers say.
I’m your daddy, regardless of the DNA.
Deities come. Deities go.
None o’ them are gonna hang around like Joe, no,
I’m your daddy, it’s always gonna be that way.
Ti. Ny. Man. Possibly you don’t understand.
It’s certainly surprisin’, Jehovah fertilisin’ your wife.
Gor. Geous. Kid. How could I be sad he did?
Cos look at you, livin’, I thank the Lord for givin’ you life.
Save a little thanks for Mama
I think she did the lion’s share
Suddenly it’s Christmas - and I could only witness -
but you can call me Papa Bear...
I’m your daddy, no matter what the Word may be
I’m your daddy, and you can always turn to me
They got the fire, they got the flood,
but what we got’s way thicker than blood
I’m your daddy, and that’s my guarantee.
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10. |
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Another summer Christmas, and it’s pouring down outside
The turkey’s in the cooker, and the kids are satisfied
And there’s just one present left under the tree
Your Christmas gift to me
You take your time and tease me, then approach me with my prize
There are laser-beams of naked expectation in your eyes
The pressure’s on, I almost wanna flee
your Christmas gift to me
My tender-hearted lover
We think we know each other
So many things that we don’t need to say
You’re desperate to show me
How perfectly you know me
This little box could blow that all away
And suddenly a shiver comes pouring down my spine
As the present is delivered from your hands into mine
And I never knew how heavy it could be
Your Christmas gift to me
Do you remember the last time we were here,
around about exactly a year ago?
Do you remember the gift you gave to me,
those sunglasses I hated so?
I said "you must be jokin’"
Your tender heart was broken
You spent all Christmas chokin’ back your tears
Then Boxing Day at Southland
Just trying to return it
And if there was a lesson there
you clearly didn’t learn it
‘Cos here we are again... like all those other years...
I’m looking at this package, you’ve swaddled it with care
With brightly coloured paper and the ribbon from your hair
And now I understand it finally
Your love’s so clear that I don’t need to see
Just let me dream how perfect it could be
Your Christmas gift to me...
Put it back under the tree.
Put it back under the tree.
(Leave it be.)
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11. |
The Christmas Manifesto
03:40
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‘Twas the night before the day
Santa loaded up his sleigh
Set a course for this here town
He took ‘em up, he set ‘em down
Sweet suburban neighbourhood
Where the kids were pretty good.
Down the chimney with a crash
In an avalanche of ash
He stood and looked around the room
Eyes adjusting to the gloom
Then he shook his head and swore -
let me tell you what he saw:
Great big flat-screen fridge TVs.
Phones. Drones. Waterskis.
Brand new sneakers.
Bluetooth speakers.
Santa went weak at the knees.
Said “Would you look at all this stuff?
“Don’t these people have enough?
“Maybe time they saw the light...
“so I'ma try to make things right.
“Donner, Blitzen, get my sack -
“I’ma takin' booty back.”
Saaaanta Claus! Saaaanta Claus!
Saaaanta Claus! Saaaanta Claus!
Ho-Ho-Ho! Saaaanta Claus!
Santa went from shore to shore
Robbin’ rich and payin’ poor.
He got the help of ev’ry elf
Redistributing the wealth.
Santa said “it’s only fair -
“there’s enough for all to share.”
Then the bourgeoisie saw red.
They took the keys to Santa’s sled.
Called it revolution.
Sued for restitution.
I heard the prosecution said:
“Santa Claus, you’re out of touch.
“The rich can never have too much.
“Just leave the paupers to their fate...
“...unless you’re tryin’ to smash the state.”
Santa said “You’re goddamn right -
“workers of the world, unite!”
Saaaanta Claus! Saaaanta Claus!
Saaaanta Claus! Saaaanta Claus!
Ho-Ho-Ho! Saaaanta Claus!
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12. |
Every Single Christmas
04:58
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13. |
Swing Around The Sun
04:34
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Christmas comes but once a year
And that’s a lucky break
For when it comes it leaves a trail
of chaos in its wake
Miles of scrunched-up paper
Yards of burning skin
An alcoholic vapour
Round the yellow-lidded bin
So when the day is over
and your relatives have flown
Sink into your sofa with
An addlepated groan
But come what may on Boxing Day,
don’t let a second slip:
For a grand new year adventure,
I know the perfect trip.
Let’s swing
Around the sun
Let’s head out there on January 1
We’ll ride around the circuit
By now you know the way
It’s an oldie but a goodie
It’s our fondest roundelay
so play a bar
From that well-worn repertoire
Let’s do another donut round the great big star
We might as well - I think it could be fun.
Let’s swing around the sun.
Ev’ry year’s a battleground
And some you’re bound to lose
It’s hard to turn your fate around
When fortune turns the screws
And if you come a cropper
and you’re feeling insecure
it might not seem improper
To decline another tour
But put your trust in travel
‘cos I’m here to testify:
This zillion tons of gravel
is the only way to fly.
And I bet some day along the way,
your faith will be restored.
Come sit beside me on the ride,
I’m happy you’re on board:
Let’s swing (swing)
Around the sun (around the sun)
Wrap this lap and start another one
And by my calculations
We’ll be halfway round in June
You should pack for all occasions -
don’t forget to bring the funky ol’ moon...
We’ll go so far
To come back to where we are
It’s just another donut round the great big star
Let’s clock up one more block before we’re done
Make this the greatest spin we’ve ever spun
Yeah, what the hell, I think it could be fun,
let’s swing around the sun.
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